Daddy’s not invincible: coping with trauma

A baby's hand is pressed against a bigger father's hand.

Her screams cut me deeper than she meant them to, but the facts were clear: I was deficient, and this helplessness was a new layer to my trauma.

To her I’m a constant; one of two people she knows to rescue her from the hunger she can’t yet understand, and the fear of loneliness she knows only by instinct.

But in this state —without use of my arms after a vehicle crash— I could feel the vulnerability of not fully acting as the big, strong daddy my 7-month-old needs me to be; the one who can lift her the highest, and embrace her the tightest.

Or the one who comforts her when she cries.

I maneuvered my fractured left wrist to her one side, and my separated shoulder and damaged right arm to the other, as I bent into her bassinet as deeply as I could.

With every ounce of my strength and coordination, I pulled her small, emotionally-exhausted frame to my chest in a kind of desperate bear hug.

By the time my wife returned to the room my daughter had calmed.

But I had not.

Post-trauma

As a journalist, most often I had heard PTSD mentioned in the context of war, or perhaps in the residual and still serious challenges of a survivor of violence or abuse.

But in the days and months after a car slammed into me, I began to realize that the physical consequences of the collision were only part of my injuries.

As my family drove me to doctor visits I’d have to close my eyes when going through intersections, as my irrational, damaged self worried that another crash was imminent.

Even months later, after a long process of physical therapy and the purchase of a car I felt safe in, I would flinch if another car sped too fast or too close to me.

A study on PTSD after vehicle crashes said many symptoms don’t surface until the return to normal activities, and anxiety in cars is one of those symptoms.

 

“Although complete driving avoidance is rare, most motor vehicle accident victims subsequently experience distress when driving or riding as passengers. Patients may report self-imposed limitations on their driving (e.g., only in daylight, only on city streets) or general uneasiness when in a vehicle.”

 

PTSD is pervasive and pernicious because it can surface in many ways, in many parts of your still-healing life.

From re-experiencing the traumatic event during the day or while sleeping, to anxiety, or sleep problems, or heightened emotion, or an absence of emotion, studies show the possible effects of PTSD to be wide-ranging.

This, compounded with whatever other physical challenges are left by the trauma, is an immense strain by itself.

But babies don’t understand that.

Still dad

Through the tears of a baby’s loneliness, or hunger, or instinctive fear the wolves are coming, it’s hard to explain the complexities of injury.

Babies often work on a reactive level: when hungry, cry; when scared, cry; when tired, cry; if diaper is uncomfortable, cry; and so on.

Parents learn to decode these cries, and respond appropriately.

And picking up the child is often a given, and the most basic of aid.

As a dad, I feel the immense joy and responsibility of holding the tiniest family member in my much larger arms. I’m the strongest, the protector; the one who can open pickle jars; the one who bounces, rocks, and sings the youngest to sleep.

Until I’m not.

At times in this recovery process I could feel the temptation of admitting the trauma stripped me of my fatherly identity.

Because I can’t lift the child, or unlock the pickles, I must not be performing my role as protector and provider.

Even through the mist of psychological healing, I’ve come to reinforce in myself the antidote to that temptation: the true strength in fathering is in being present and aware.

Experts advise PTSD sufferers to focus on the things in your control, and still being attentive if not fully able is something I can control.

My wife and I are a team in parenting and in life, and adapting my activities to help the team in a different way is something I can control.

I’m still very much dealing with the trauma of my car crash, even nine months later, but I have indeed improved: I can lift my children, and play guitar and sing silly songs for them, and drive a car, and use a fork — it’s a normalcy that seemed so foreign just months ago.

Being aware of the changes you’re experiencing, and the lasting effects of a trauma, are not always easy to admit or identify, but it’s an important step on the road to recovery.

Self care and attention to mental health are acts of strength, and service to the family.

And it’s something — even if you need help to get there — that you can begin to control.

Baking Vlog Ep. 8: Stop trying to be perfect

It’s been a while since my last Baking Journalist episode. I had been mulling over the topic of not being perfect, or needing to fail, to make progress in journalism and in bread baking. 

And then I was hit by a car.

I couldn’t bake, or type, or do many of the things we don’t often think about every day. All of the sudden I had a lot of time to think about those things, and so much more. 

Continue reading “Baking Vlog Ep. 8: Stop trying to be perfect”

Thoughts on a bread baking renaissance in the pandemic

Bread seems to be having a renaissance: amid the coronavirus pandemic, people seem to be buying bread (if they can find it), flour, and yeast at unprecedented rates. I’ve been a bread baking and journalism evangelist for a good while, and I was honored to talk little about my journey so far, and about home bread baking on the radio recently.

I was a guest (not the host!) on the Sound of Ideas with my friend Mike McIntyre. I transcribed some of my bread thoughts for you, in case you missed the show. If you have any other ideas, please get in touch! Continue reading “Thoughts on a bread baking renaissance in the pandemic”

The Baking Journalist in Edible Cleveland!

In a month that brought some pretty serious lows, I’m really honored to have The Baking Journalist project featured in Northeast Ohio’s preeminent food magazine Edible Cleveland!

Lisa Sands and photographer Laura Watilo Blake stopped by my humble abode while talking, baking, and (hopefully) enjoying some of my basic breads. It really was a pleasure to share this project with them and their readers.

I was a little apprehensive that my breads wouldn’t be good enough, or my kitchen wasn’t big enough, or whatever. But Lisa said Edible Cleveland likes to talk to real people, creating and enjoying food. I definitely qualified!

Laura Watilo Blake makes my bread look better than ever before!

It may be a little while before I can bake like I had been doing, but I’ll keep trying. This experience has definitely put some wind in my sails. Continue reading “The Baking Journalist in Edible Cleveland!”

Battered not broken: reflections from a scooter crash

There is a split-second for your body to prepare for the trauma before the car slams into your left side, and a leisurely ride into work on a sunny day becomes an exhausting and painful day at the hospital. 

Your fight-or-flight instinct is sparked by the adrenaline pumping through your vulnerable shell: your heart pounds; your muscles tense; your awareness is heightened, just as the worst of your situation becomes the prime object of your focus.

The hood of the car is, all at once, a white blur streaking toward you, and also a crystal clear threat to your existence.

As the collision strips from you the handlebars–and with them your ability to control your destination–you hold out your hands to catch yourself from a fall that you won’t be able to avoid. Continue reading “Battered not broken: reflections from a scooter crash”

Journalists should stop subsidizing the pundit class

It seems to be its own past-time to ask John Kasich whether he’s going to run again for president, perhaps even challenging the incumbent Donald Trump.

CNN is especially interested in Kasich’s plans, and the network invited the two-term Ohio Governor to let viewers see into a crystal ball, and know if he sees a way to the White House.

“Right now, I don’t see it,” Kasich told the network, surely dashing the hopes of keen political observers wanting another narrative arc to follow.

“That doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be a path down the road,” he said, maintaining the possibility of a plot twist later.

I wasn’t surprised by Kasich saying this to CNN in August 2019, not only because I’m a journalist in Ohio and generally feel there would be more buzz before such a move.

The main reason I wasn’t surprised to read about Kasich on CNN is because Kasich is on CNN’s payroll as a Sr. Political Commentator.

Continue reading “Journalists should stop subsidizing the pundit class”